Yahweh Will Accomplish What Concerns Me

As some of you know, I’ve been facing some hearing issues in one of my ears. I’ve been under the care of an ENT as they attempt to diagnose what’s causing the problem. Some of my hearing was restored which hinted at a fairly common viral condition. To rule some more serious issues out, I had an MRI. I saw my ENT a few days ago to go over the results. I was expecting a quick review of the MRI before checking it off the list. Instead, the MRI caught one of the things we were ruling out.

Benign-ish

In short, a “benign” tumor is growing on or near my cochlear nerve. It’s not cancerous. But, left untreated, the tumor would eventually lead to total hearing loss in the affected ear, facial paralysis, and eventually death. Basically, the tumor keeps growing and eventually starts pressing against other nerves, the ear, and the brain stem. I’ll spare you the rest of the details — but it’s not particularly a pleasant way to go.

The upside, and a true blessing in all of this, is that it’s operable, with a really high success rate. The downside is that it’s a major invasive surgery that involves removing a tumor on or near nerves and the brain responsible for vital functions. The risk of complications is high enough to make me uncomfortable. While the risk of death is “less than 1 percent”, actually being on the receiving end of that, feels really high. Especially, when, for five years, you’re reminded by the now dormant name of a friend on your friend’s list who died on an operating table due to complications.

Reflections on Death

It’s not that I’m afraid of death itself. I know I would wake up in the presence of my Savior, free from all the pains and worries of this world. To be transferred from this present darkness into that glory would be… hard to imagine. But at the same time, the loss my family would endure, not to mention so many things I have yet to do, yet to achieve, have me… fearful.

I’ve legitimately faced death more than once in my life. It’s not something I talk about, or write about often. It is what it is. When I was 17 years old, I was in a major car accident which should have seriously injured me and killed my oldest sister. Our car was mangled around us, and we both walked away. In college, as I walked through a doorway, the electronic automatic door opener fell in a shower of sparks, dangling right where my body had just been a step or two before — it would have crushed my skull. These are just two of the most vivid, but there are more. Standing in just the right place. Unexpectedly recovering my balance. Or being delayed just enough to avoid serious incidents. It is written in Scripture,

For He will command His angels concerning you,
To guard you in all your ways.
Psalm 91:11 LSB

Yet, in most of these instances, the awareness of the danger came after it passed. That’s not to say there isn’t a scar left from that, but it’s one thing to realize afterwards you were in danger, but made it through. It seems to be another thing entirely that, one, you will die if you don’t get surgery, and two, the surgery itself could maim or kill you. I’m still processing it.

I Was Not Prepared

I feel melodramatic. I know people who have suffered from or are suffering from conditions which are far more serious. They likely wished they just had to deal with my condition. A single surgery. The threat is gone. God be praised for His great mercy to me.

The problem is, I’ve spent my life viewing myself as effectively immortal. Nothing could ever touch me because nothing ever has. Even the worst things that have happened to me, with enough effort, I could work myself back from. I was not prepared for something I could not. I may lose the hearing in my ear. And I’m not certain what condition I will be when I awake from my surgery. This, from an appointment that was supposed to tell me my hearing was getting better.

I was not prepared.

God Is In Control

Until the last month, I never realized just how much I love my hearing. I’ve already been wrestling with the possibility my hearing wouldn’t be restored. I’m mourning the thought of losing hearing in my ear and what life might look like as half-deaf. Again, I feel melodramatic, but it’s what’s actually happening to me.

I know that God is faithful and God is in control. He always has been. He has directed my steps. Often, quite literally. He has spared my life. He has kept my life.

Yahweh will accomplish what concerns me;
O Yahweh, Your lovingkindness endures forever;
Do not fail the works of Your hands.
Psalm 138:8 LSB

It is not an empty promise. Even if I recite it tear-filled. Forgive me. I am scared and weak. But my God is strong. Please pray for me, and may God be glorified in me.

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