Jesus Is Risen

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Just go back from Oakland Community Colleges counseling office. I'm sooo glad I waited for an appointment with Dr. Olivarez. He spent a whole lot of time (nearly 45 minutes) going over everything I needed for financial aid, my degree, and transferring to OU. Looks like another semester at OCC, but that's fine. It'll be my last. Then on to OU for the Winter. Which is kind of good. I was really overwhelmed rushing to get everything ready.

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I feel so totally insignificant. I've done a great job this past semester, but the achievement seems moot. I had hoped to walk away with at least a few new friends. I picked up a couple, but I feel more alone than ever. I keep being told work on things I need to get done and "she" will come along, but I think that just isn't going to happen.

As bad as this sounds, I can't stand most people.  This isn't to be confused with hating people. I care about people. I'm a compassionate person. But I find myself intimidated and/or unattractived to the majority of mankind.  Despite all of my merits and credentials, it seems like in the greater scheme of life they only matter to me. I'm wiser than some people three times my age, resilient in crises that'd make others feint, and with integrity to stand up against all sorts of attacks...yet I feel immature and insignificant compared to others in my generation. They all are working on careers and an independent life. I'm working on it...to some degree...but I'm far behind and much of it I don't care for. I take care of my family. I like being a part of a family.  I don't want to live on my own. I want to eventually move out when I get married or go to school...but I have no good reason to live by myself. I'm secure enough in my own identity that I don't need to live on my own to define myself. But that doesn't seem to matter. The disaproving stares and tones when I mention I live at home, that I don't have a job... I'm working on the job thing...but I have qualities that hold value in eternity. I have self-control, respect, compassion, and love. Genuine and sincere...but none of it matters.

I've experienced so much and endured for so long...and in the end none of it counts for anything beyond my own nose.

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Sweet Little Jesus Boy - Rebecca St. James:
You have told us how, we are trying,
Master You have shown us how even when You were dying.
Just seem like we can't do right, look how we treated You.
But please forgive sir, forgive us Lord
We didn't know it was You,

Coming home from school the other day I was playing this song by Rebecca St. James. It made a very deep impression on me. A very profound impression.

Luke 23:32-34 (NIV):
Two other men, both criminals, were also led out with him to be executed. When they came to the place called the Skull, there they crucified him, along with the criminals—one on his right, the other on his left. Jesus said, "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing. And they divided up his clothes by casting lots.

The profound statement was one that convicted me deeply. I felt as if God in one line had reduced me to a mere gnat and He a towering Mountain above me.

How often do I fight back hateful words when I get cut off on the highway? Yet here Jesus was with His hands impaled by metal spikes dangling from a cross experiencing unimaginable pain as His life blood literally poured out of Him and what did He have to say about those who had personally nailed his hands and the crowd that had chanted for his death?

"Forgive them, Father."

Could I in Christ's position ask God to forgive my murderers? I don't think I could and there is some shame in that truthful answer. Thank you Jesus for God's unmerited grace!

Next time we want to lash out it'd serve us well to remember God's example. Or maybe we're holding onto bitterness and anger? We're far from perfect and I know I'll struggle with this and probably continue to be human...but it really pulls at my heart to realize how perfect God's forgiveness for us really is.

You have told us how, we are trying,
Master You have shown us how even when You were dying.
Just seem like we can't do right, look how we treated You.
But please forgive sir, forgive us Lord...

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Many of the ideals of the Tea Party I agree with whole heartily. Like I believe the Federal Government (and even State government) should NOT interfere in our lives. We give the government authority...not the government giving us the privilege. I don't think the government should tell us how to live or what we can and can not do (within reason).

However, the Tea Party's stance against the bailouts is something I can't support. I know they are very unpopular but I do not think many realize what would have happened had the auto-industry not been saved.

Let me explain to you a few things... I've grown up in Michigan all of my life. My dad, his brother, and his dad have worked in the Auto Industry most of their lives. Growing up most of my friend's parents either worked directly for an auto company or one of the thousands of suppliers that make up the majority of our economy here in Southern Michigan. 75% of the our economy in Michigan is tied directly to the auto industry. The other 25% relies on the income brought in by the auto industry to continue.

Had GM, Chrysler, and Ford been allowed to go out of business all at once, like the Tea Party insists should have happened, Michigan, Illinois, Ohio, and Indiana would have been plunged into one of the worst economic depressions ever experienced.

Don't believe me? An example of something very few consider. Our doctor's office is an independent practice. Its not tied to any other company, let alone the auto industry. None of the doctors work or worked for the car companies. However, when word came that the major plant in our area was going to be closed they were notifying their patients that they would be closing the practice. Why? Because even a doctor's office totally unrelated to making cars depends on the customers who are 75% employed by the Auto Industry.

I do not believe the government should interfere without lives, but in crisis I believe the government must respond. The People of this country need to help. Had General Motors, Ford, and Chrysler folded last year the government would have spent far more in welfare and health care to save the millions upon millions of people in my state alone who MUST have the auto industry to survive.

Companies should die when its their time and yes there are some bad consequences to running a business badly. But rescuing the auto industry had nothing to do with saving big business. It had everything to do with saving the people of Michigan, adjacent states, and Ontario whose entire economy from cars to health care to fast food restaurants rely solely on the auto industry.

So although I sympathize with the concerns of the Tea Party Movement and the majority of their views. I personally can not call myself a Tea Partier. My family would be homeless right now if not for those bailouts and I dare say most of my friends and family would be in a similar boat. It is much easier to solve a debt that can be paid off then to give shelter, food, and jobs to the millions upon millions of people who depend on the car industry.

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Now let me begin by saying I am staunchly morally conservative. This means that I believe abortion is wrong, homosexuality is a sin and shouldn't be endorsed by the government, that the Bible should be legally taught in schools, and that there is a definite right and wrong. I am very much a patriot and I support our troops. I actually liked President Bush and if it was possible, would like him back in office. But, I have to say more and more that politically I find myself inching towards "moderate" (never liberal, God no). 

My biggest complaint with conservatives is that just like liberals, while trying to promote their case and position, come across as a bunch of ignorant biggots.  Not all, and by no means do I mean to imply my friends or family, but just reading through comments on Fox News and on these facebook groups.  A lot of people make some very uneducated and inflammatory remarks about Democrats and Obama.

Let me say it once, I am not a friend of the Democratic Party, Liberals, or Obama. I don't like any of those three entities. But I also believe that we need to be fair, unbiased, free of hatred, and educated in our criticisms.  When you hurl insults and put downs, and illogical fallacies left and right you erode your case, you erode your high ground, and you undermine your cause.

Being rational, reasonable, and diplomatic is not a sign of supporting their cause. Its a sign that you are a self-controlled, rational person. Making sweeping inflammatory remarks makes you out to be an ignorant dufus. These kinds of comments, are of course thrown by both Liberals and Conservatives a like.  But I feel as a person who associates more with Conservatives it places me in a position where I can offer some admonishment.

I believe Conservatives have a just cause. However, I think its time we got off the vicious cycle of political mudslinging, rumor mongering, hate speech, conspiracy theorizing, and Liberal-hating-no-matter-what-they-do-or-say and stick to the cold hard facts and the moral high ground we supposedly are on.  Make educated and self-controlled responses to liberals. Especially in our own circles such as Fox News or Conservative groups on facebook.  The fact there are no or few liberals shouldn't turn us into the playground bullies.  Instead, we should be showing through our beliefs and example, why Conservative ideals are superior.

Its because of this continual ignorance that I can't in my right conscience put my full support behind the Republican party or the Politically Conservative.  I am by no means a liberal...but I feel that it is important to hear everyone out...even when we don't agree. There is nothing wrong with fierce opposition to ideas and views that we believe are wrong, but we can't be so blinded by that passion that instead of coming across as a mother lion defending her cubs, we appear like a rabid raccoon foaming at the mouth.

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I forgot how much I missed this show.

Michael's Mom: "I know this much, if Michael wanted to kill you; you'd already be dead."

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Well, not really a research paper...more like a speech outline. But it was my first real paper for college I've ever really written and was proud of.  I've written a few in the past, but I nailed this one.  I'm very impressed and excited.  Its a sentence outline for my definition speech.  I used all book sources which I thought was impressive in today's internet fanatical era.  I'm so proud of myself.  Just six months ago I was talking about how I never wanted to go back to school and here I am having fun and excited about it!

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One of the big, big subjects and arts we're trying to learn in my speech class is "Eye Contact".  In American culture eye contact is EXTREMELY important.  This is different from many cultures around the world where Eye Contact is considered "aggressive", "disrespectful", or "inappropriate".  But for us Americans looking our audience and our speakers directly in the eye is a really, really important piece of establishing a connection with someone and building trust.

I, personally, have a very hard time making eye contact with people I don't know.  I've actually always tried practicing at drive-thru windows because its a brief encounter.  I also have sympathy for the poor souls who get treated like garbage all day (I use to work the back window at Wendy's).  Its really easy to tell between the employees who really care about their customers and those who are nervous or just plain don't.  Its amazing how in only a few seconds of locked eye contact you can discover how much a person cares about you (even in the simplest of ways).  Getting back to the point, since starting my speech class I've been making a conscious effort to make eye contact with strangers.  Slowly but surely I'll master the art. But it is challenging.

The biggest challenge is of course working past my own nervousness of 1-on-1 connections.  I'm always anxious of meeting strangers and striking up conversations.  Part of this stems from past anxiety issues.  However, putting for the effort is slowly making headway.  Walking into my classes and even looking around my classes I try to make even a temporary eye contact without looking away immediately.  I'm also slowly picking up on those who are nervous about the eye contact and those who are terrified or offended.  I make a mental note to skip over them.  It may seem like a lot of work for something so silly, but in communication it is VERY important.

On occasion my eyes will meet with someone's and when they lock I can immediately recognize a spark of energy.  Off the top of my head I'd have to say Mr. Pryor (my Comp II teacher has it).  By energy I mean anything very positive.  Specifically, with Mr. Pryor I get a very cool "buddy"/"student" feeling.  He'll remember me after the class is done.   The greatest of all however, is kind of silly.  A month or so ago I went to McDonald's with my family.  I decided to try my charm and eye contact on a girl at the drive-thru window.  It was like I could see sparks when my eyes met hers and she smiled.  That sounds so corny, but I couldn't get the feeling out of my head.  I dropped everyone off at home and then "forgot" I needed to pick up pop.   So I went back through the drive-thru just to see her again.  This time her smile grew and the eye lock lingered.  I think I knew I had a crush then.

From there my obsession with her electricity took a turn for...obsession? I've started to make it a habit to pick up something small there every few days around the time she was suppose to be there.  After a few times of missing her I decided to convince myself it was nothing.  I stopped making my trip and tried pushing her out of my head. That is until tonight.  On my way to class I stopped JUST to get some pop to keep me awake.  I had no intentions beyond that (who can't resist a large coke for a dollar?)  As I pulled up to the second window I noticed a girl in the window...my heart skipped a beat as my eyes saw hers.  She was putting on her professional smile until she realized it was me. They got bigger and a large genuine smile crossed her face.  Her eyes lingered and there was just an electricity about her.  Only a few words were exchanged.  She was in a hurry (big line) and I was in a hurry (class)...but I walked away absolutely sure I'm going to introduce myself one of these days and ask her for her number... Just a matter of timing.

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No really. I'm really hot. Thursday started out cold and rainy and by the time I got into bed it was hot and humid.  It was cold inside the house for awhile so we had the heater turned up. By the time I got into my room and headed to bed (after 4am...) I couldn't sleep. I tossed and turned for an hour until I decided to come up here and play around with facebook.  I turned the AC on just to get the house to cooldown.  Well, its not that the house was hot persay, but that it was humid.  I don't do well with humid.

Now, yesterday (its nearly 6am and I haven't slept yet), was the conclusion of my first week at school.  It was fun. Exciting. An adventure.  Its going to be hard work, but I'm really excited.  Both of my instructors seem to enjoy their subject and what us to learn.  My favorite.  I *need* these classes but I also *want* these classes.  These are topics I'm interested in as a person.  I go to school because I have to, but I also want to make myself better.

I think I'm going to double major.  Communications and Theater.  I had to do a speech for my Speech Class and it had to be on a "good experience".  I chose my performance of my Job monologue a few years ago.  Doing that speech reminded me of how much I love standing on a stage performing.  Can I really live the rest of my life not involved in some kind of theater? I don't think so.  This man was made to act and to communicate.  Communications is really the more practical degree.  Its the fallback...but its one I'm interested in.  The idea of learning to effectively communicate seems very powerful to me.

I need to choose a school soon...and I need to fill out my FAFSA.

I've been bored with WoW lately. Partly because I've had something to do other than WoW. Partly because I've played too much WoW. And a big part is that I've exhausted a lot of the things I like to do in WoW.  All that's left for me is raiding. None of the achievements feel like a worthy time sink.  With less and less time to play the need to actually be involved in something interesting increases...and running heroics just doesn't cut it and I'm honestly burnt out leading raids.  I've had little to no help planning and forming and getting them done and I'm just sick of it.  Someone else can do the work. I'm going to go play and do whatever I want, wherever I want and when one of the officers decides they want to help out  that's fine.  (I should give Brian some credit. He's been great on more than a few occasions and right now with his grandma having died I expect nothing from him...its his time...but the rest have no good excuse.).

Its fun to actually feel like I have some momentum in life. I'm enjoying school for the first time in YEARS.  I'm very optimistic.  I still struggle with some of the old demons. Like last night I had to really fight back the want to skip class.  It wasn't out of laziness. More like a fear.  Its not a rational fear...but I had to fight it.  Besides that I'm enjoying it. I'm anxious to see where I can take this schooling and apply it...but I'm going to rest in the solace that I don't need to figure that out just yet. One step at a time.

"The steps of a righteous man are ordered by the Lord." amen.

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