Pardon my typing if you will. I’m typing this in bed with no glasses on. I couldn’t sleep. I lay tossing and turning thinking about a whole wide range of subjects that have been irking me. After about 30-45 minutes of this I finally went up front and brought back my laptop so I could write. Okay, like three sentences and I couldn’t stand seeing a blurry mess so I grabbed my glasses. Anyway, over the last few days I’ve been studying the events that lead to the overthrow of the Russian Empire in 1917. It was only until I lay here in my bed thinking about all these things troubling me realizing that I’m now in the midst of a revolution of my own.
Bottom line is that I’m sick of how things are and sick of how I’ve been treated–and maybe most importantly: I’m not going to put up with it anymore.
The past year for me has been hell. From the living hell of my dad’s bipolar fiasco to my own fiasco of medication changes and the resulting side effects I’m exhausted. At the same time I’m furious. Still reeling from the trauma of both. I don’t know how to handle it which leads me to my current dissatisfaction with my therapist. He’s a great guy, but he’s not the kind of therapist I need. He’s a glorified life coach constantly working on things I’m doing and should be doing but not really helping me deal with the conscious and unconscious trauma of my life. I already have two parents riding me to get things done; I don’t need a third. So, this past Mon I decided to do something about it. I canceled my appointment and didn’t reschedule. I don’t need to waste an hour talking and an hour driving. Its not doing anything for me, if anything its making me more upset anymore at how its totally useless waste of time.
Then comes my doctor. I’m not going to explain the situation because it would take too long and I don’t feel like rehashing it, but his office staff has been a pain in the ass (excuse my french) for 20 years and what happened yesterday with my sisters was the final point. You don’t have enough time for us? You can’t treat us with respect? FINE. Problem solved. We’re finding a new doctor.
Then comes the topic of my now old boss. I care for the guy a lot. He is kind of like the grandpa I wish I had. But at the same time I was feeling really uncomfortable around him and felt very pressured. I have enough going on in my life that I don’t need an extra pressure. I’ve stopped visiting and talking to him. The latter because I really don’t know what to say or how to say it. I’m thinking of writing him a letter. But since I’ve stopped visiting and working for him I’ve felt relieved. I felt like I was being patronized and treated like a child. I feel taken advantage of when I was struggling, and now I feel like I have control and I’m enacting it. I don’t want to continue that relationship.
As for school, I’ve finally nailed down my passion for becoming a sign language interpreter. Its something that I enjoy, is fun, involves working with people, and has the added bonus of being a solid career with good pay and high demand. I’m trying to turn my long term mentality of “school being that thing I do because I have to” into “This is what I want to do with my life so I need to start enjoying these classes and trying to learn as much as I can.” Its been a struggle for sure, but I’m starting to enjoy the challenge. For some reason just today my fingerspelling speed jumped dramatically. Almost overnight, and my comprehension, although not as extreme, has increased in both sign and fingerspelling.
Although I planned on writing more I’ve come to my tired point. Enough off my chest that I think I can finally sleep. Summary is I’m sick of how life has been and setting my sights on making it what I want it to be.
I also think that over these last few months I’ve changed drastically in the way I view myself and the world. I think that I’ve become far more independent and adult-like. I’ve also come to terms with my weaknesses and my strengths. I see myself generally positively. I use to downright hate myself. Although I’m still not yet my favorite person, I think I’ve come to respect myself for who I am. I feel calmer and more deliberated–focused.
And I’m not going to be pushed around anymore. by anyone.
Reading a comment on Fox News about “restoring the republic” I immediately thought of this classic exchange from Star Wars. I decided to have some fun with it and change names to political figures and what not. This is a political satire, and shouldn’t be interpreted as necessarily my political views.
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Joe Biden: Until these liberal polices are fully operational, we are vulnerable. The Conservatives are too well equipped! They’re more dangerous than you realize.
Harry Reid: Dangerous to your political party, Commander, not to our liberal agenda.
Joe Biden: The Conservatives will continue to gain a support in Congress-
Nancy Pelosi: [walking in with Darth Obama] Congress will no longer be of any concern to us. I have just received word that the Emperor Soros has dissolved Congress permanently. The last remnants of the Old Republic have been swept away.
Joe Biden: That’s impossible! How will the Emperor maintain control without the bureaucracy?
Nancy Pelosi: Obama’s czars now have direct control over their territories. Fear will keep the local systems in line. Fear of liberal social policies.
Joe Biden: And what of the Tea Party? If the Tea Party have obtained a complete technical readout of our agenda, it is possible, however unlikely, that they might find a weakness and exploit it.
Darth Obama: The plans you refer to will soon be back in our hands.
Harry Reid: Any attack made by the Tea Party against the liberal agenda would be a useless gesture, no matter what technical data they’ve obtained. This agenda is now the ultimate power in the universe! I suggest we use it.
Darth Obama: Don’t be too proud of this technological terror you’ve constructed. The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power of “Change”.
Harry Reid: Don’t try to frighten us with your sorcerer’s ways, Lord Obama. [Obama walks toward Reid, then slowly raises his hand] Your sad devotion to that ancient religion has not helped you conjure up your birth certificate [begins to sound strained] or given you clairvoyance enough to find the Tea Party’s hidden fort- [grasps his throat as if he is being cho ked]
Darth Obama: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Nancy Pelosi: Enough of this. Obama, release him!
Darth Obama: As you wish. [drops his hand and Reid's head hits the table as he regains his breath]
Nancy Pelosi: This bickering is pointless. Now Lord Obama will provide us with the location of the hidden Tea Party fortress. We will then crush the Tea Party with one swift stroke.
A long time ago I created a blog called the “Footsteps Unaware – A Day in the Life of the Invisible Man”. By a long time ago I’m talking 7 years ago when I was just a teenager. I wrote it on a free blogger site and it was a really fun and fascinating idea. I wrote a deep back story to this teen who by a freak accident became invisible. I deeply explored what it would be like to be invisible both the shortcomings and humor in it. Oddly, writing this I decided to take a look around and see if I still had it. ‘lo and behold it was still saved on blogger: http://footstepsunaware.blogspot.com/
My friends at the time received it with great praise, but I never did much with it. Why? In all honesty, I have a hard enough time motivating myself to update my Facebook status let alone write full-length blog posts. It becomes even more challenging when said blog posts are a fictional world that require a cohesive plot and story to keep the attention of an audience.
As life became increasingly more difficult and involved as I grew up I very rapidly abandoned my project. It was, however, one of the most entertaining and thought provoking writing exercises I had ever undertaken. As an avid writer, it was something I would not forget. In the back of my mind I kept entertaining the idea of resurrecting it, but as I kept pushing it off so did my recollection of whether or not it still existed in any form. I just didn’t have the mental power to rewrite or start writing it again.
About a year ago I started really getting into social networking. Things like Twitter, Facebook, and my own personal blog using WordPress (i.e., this site). Around this time I also started a project called CorpseCamp.Us which was suppose to be the MLIA (MyLifeIsAverage) of MMO players but it just never caught on. Whether that was due to a lack of interest or insufficient advertising, I do not know. I let the domain name lapse a few days ago which is sad because I was really proud of the work I put into that site.
Getting back on track, I had a really strong desire to do something like Footsteps Unaware but not the desire to devote so much time to writing the necessary size updates needed to keep a blog feeling as if its worth reading. That is when a few months ago I started seriously contemplating a return. Using what I had learned over the last seven years about plots, plot development, character development, along with all of the ways social networking can be used to share things on the Internet. The idea started with realizing I’d need a Facebook page and Twitter account to help advertise it. Then it hit me: Small posts are perfect on Facebook.
It was at that point I realized I could save myself a whole lot of trouble. If I hosted it on Facebook I’d have direct access to a huge audience, I wouldn’t have to maintain a website, and I could get away with short, small posts. The next step in the process was narrowing down setting. I considered the invisible man idea again, but I felt that deserved far more attention than little Facebook status updates. I also didn’t think it would be entertaining enough. A science fiction idea slipped into my mind. It would allow for a compact “home” setting. A spaceship would create a nice frame around the story and I wouldn’t be too likely to wander off.
Browsing Flickr for Creative Commons licensed graphics of spaceships I stumbled upon this picture of a nifty rocket statue from San Francisco. I fell in love with the rocket. It was also at this point I realized I was going to set Captain Blazer in a sort of retro-50s/60s science fiction setting. You know, the cheesy old days of Science Fiction before they knew much about space and all the rockets had flares. The era of Captain Kirk and space invasions and the All-American Hero. Continue reading “The Adventures of Captain Blazer: An Experiment in Creative Writing” »
Lets play a game. We’ll call it “Guess who is deaf?” From the picture below tell me who you think is a deaf person:
Give up? This a photo from an event called the Deaf Nation Expo. The one I went to this past April was compromised of about 90% Deaf people. Chances are just about everyone in that picture is Deaf. Can you tell? No. So comes our first lesson about Deaf Culture: most Deaf people co-exist with Hearing people completely unnoticable
But wait, Matthew, is it politically correct to call them “deaf”? No. Its not. One problem, most people who are deaf prefer to be referred to as–drum roll please–deaf (some may also prefer to be called hard-of-hearing). And so begins the struggle between the Deaf and the hearing worlds.
Unbeknownst to many, deaf people have their own unique culture and identity. When referring to this culture or a person who identifies with this culture it is appropriate to refer to them as Deaf (capital D).
It may be hard for us to fathom, but those who are Deaf see nothing wrong with themselves. In fact, many Deaf people are proud to be deaf. This might seem odd, and to be honest, I have yet to fully understand this mindset. But I’ve seen it best described as: not focusing on what they can’t, and focusing on what they can. Contrary to popular belief, Deaf co-exist in our hearing world and many Deaf people are very successful. The Deaf have developed their own art, literature, poetry, communities, language (American Sign Language in American and most of Canada), and yes, even their own music.
Without delving into the complexities of American Sign Language (along with other natural sign languages), the important thing to know is that ASL is its own unique language uniquely developed by the Deaf for the Deaf. ASL is revered by the Deaf community and although not all deaf people or Deaf people sign, its one of the most important products of Deaf culture
So what is so special about Deaf culture? A lot (real concise, right?). Well, for one thing the Deaf value community. Why? Because they need each other. They can communicate freely and together teach other how to live in a world that’s not very friendly to them. They share their stories, their struggles, their accomplishments–just like any other community.
The Deaf also value sharing information. It can be a little unnerving first for those of us in the hearing world. Maybe it arises out of having communication repressed and oppressed, because out of that has risen a culture where they share details about everything.
One example off the top of my head: if you’re late, Deaf people would not be satisfied with a simple “sorry, I’m late”. They’d want to know the details of it for sheer curiosity sake. When they introduce each other they may even give summarized life histories. In a deaf class and need to go to the bathroom? In the hearing world, we’d slip away quietly without saying a word. In the Deaf World information is valued highly.
Deaf people are very adamant about passing their culture on to the younger generations. You see, Deaf people are proud of their culture. They are proud of their accomplishments. It might be surprising to know that for about 100 years there were people who tried to stamp out the Deaf and Deaf culture. People called oralists tried to stamp out the usage of signing and force Deaf people to speak. That’s like asking a blind person to sign! In this post, I’ll avoid going into this topic in-depth.
Amazingly, 90% of deaf children are born to hearing parents. 90% of deaf parents have hearing children. This means that many members of the Deaf World do not inherit it from their ancestors, but rather find it (or stumble into it) at some point in their life. Deaf Adults are also very welcoming of others children, and will become like second parents. Raising children in the Deaf community is a community effort. When Deaf parents have a Deaf child it is seen as a positive event. Whereas many hearing parents see it as a tragedy, most Deaf people welcome it. Why? Because its seen as an opportunity to pass on their cultural identity to another generation. Not only this, but the parents will also be able to share their experience growing up deaf with their child and offer them opportunities they themselves may have been denied.
But I digress, this is a lot of information. I’ll be creating future posts detailing specifics in greater detail and hopefully provide some further references. Amazingly, I’ve only begun to touch on this topic.
So tonight is theater practice…again. As a side note, I really hate spelling theater as the British do. Theatre. I know a lot of people love it. But I hate it. I really, really hate it.
I’ll be performing in Seven Year Itch by George Axelrod. I’m not too thrilled with the storyline. I really don’t even like the morality of my character; Dr. Brubaker. But its not too terrible…I think. It could be worse.
Anyway, this will be with Blue Heron Theater (or is it Theatre?) Company in Holly, MI. Our performances will be the last few weekends of July at the Karl Richter Campus’ main auditorium (or only auditorium?). Tickets will be $10. Would really look forward to seeing friends and family in the area (or random strangers who aren’t crazy).
To be honest, I think theater is one of the few things that I find challenging. I don’t know if I’m good at it. Some people have said so, but I always compare myself to professionals. Maybe that’s because I at least use to want to be a professional actor. Part of me still does, but I don’t think I have the skill or patience to become that good at it. So for now, I stick with community theater. Which honestly I enjoy. Especially this group of people. They are all there to enjoy themselves. Of course, our director pushes us to be our best, but its not cut throat like most theater places. Everyone is generally friendly and relaxed. Just what I need.
It has been forever and a day since I posted on here last. The main reason being I haven’t known what to say. Its been a difficult few weeks of medication adjusting. I suffer from anxiety and depression and I got sick of where I was with my old medicine and decided to see a psychiatrist. The process has been somewhat frustrating.
Something as “simple” as depression can be so debilitating sometimes. I can’t believe I’ve lived so long “just dealing with it”. I finally reached a point in my life where I was just sick of it. I was sick of being blamed for my lack of energy, my lack of motivation, my lack of throughput. I just couldn’t. No matter how hard I tried to hype myself up, I just didn’t have the energy. People might say “Well you didn’t try hard enough.” The problem is, as I’ve learned more and more about depression, mental illnesses, and the like. The more I’ve realized that some conditions truly are beyond your control. Just looking at my dad’s bipolar disorder. He did and said things that now that he’s back on treatment, is totally ashamed of and doesn’t realize how he could ever do it. That’s the problem with mental illnesses and disorders: your mind isn’t working like it should.
That fact is something that is really hard to understand. Now, mind you, depression rarely goes into the psychosis (that is a break from reality and your mind works on its own messed up reality). But when someone is suffering from a form of psychosis it is very hard to communicate with and reason with them. Their view of reality has been messed up and they can’t control that. As much as you sit their reasoning with them its not going to go very far. And as a person who is thinking clearly its very hard to understand and process. But I digress…
Depression is similar. Yes, there are things I can do to counteract it and lessen its blow. However, there are times where the weight is just too overwhelming to handle. No amount of self-will will break through it. It was at that point I realized: I don’t have to live this way anymore. That was a huge break through. I already knew I didn’t want to live that way. But the realization that with modern medicine there were solutions that could aid me in fighting the depression was life altering.
The key word here is aid or help. Depression meds don’t take away the depression. They help me get to a point where I can manage it. So that’s what I am striving for. However, its been a really painful journey.
