It has been forever and a day since I posted on here last. The main reason being I haven’t known what to say. Its been a difficult few weeks of medication adjusting. I suffer from anxiety and depression and I got sick of where I was with my old medicine and decided to see a psychiatrist. The process has been somewhat frustrating.
Something as “simple” as depression can be so debilitating sometimes. I can’t believe I’ve lived so long “just dealing with it”. I finally reached a point in my life where I was just sick of it. I was sick of being blamed for my lack of energy, my lack of motivation, my lack of throughput. I just couldn’t. No matter how hard I tried to hype myself up, I just didn’t have the energy. People might say “Well you didn’t try hard enough.” The problem is, as I’ve learned more and more about depression, mental illnesses, and the like. The more I’ve realized that some conditions truly are beyond your control. Just looking at my dad’s bipolar disorder. He did and said things that now that he’s back on treatment, is totally ashamed of and doesn’t realize how he could ever do it. That’s the problem with mental illnesses and disorders: your mind isn’t working like it should.
That fact is something that is really hard to understand. Now, mind you, depression rarely goes into the psychosis (that is a break from reality and your mind works on its own messed up reality). But when someone is suffering from a form of psychosis it is very hard to communicate with and reason with them. Their view of reality has been messed up and they can’t control that. As much as you sit their reasoning with them its not going to go very far. And as a person who is thinking clearly its very hard to understand and process. But I digress…
Depression is similar. Yes, there are things I can do to counteract it and lessen its blow. However, there are times where the weight is just too overwhelming to handle. No amount of self-will will break through it. It was at that point I realized: I don’t have to live this way anymore. That was a huge break through. I already knew I didn’t want to live that way. But the realization that with modern medicine there were solutions that could aid me in fighting the depression was life altering.
The key word here is aid or help. Depression meds don’t take away the depression. They help me get to a point where I can manage it. So that’s what I am striving for. However, its been a really painful journey.
The first medicine the doctor tried me on set me off like an out of control fire cracker. I would explode into fits of uncontrollable rage that scared me. Suicidal. Etc. Etc. That was not cool. I dented my sisters car once out of anger and I still feel terrible. The next medication made me more depressed and acted like a tranquilizer. That didn’t work out so well. I was sleeping all the time. Then he took me off that and upped another. Next thing I know I’m having terrible anxiety attacks. Debilitating anxiety attacks. Not. Fun. Either. Now I’m on lower dose of that with something else mixed in and it is slowly working its way into my system. So far, I’m not noticing any nasty side effects. Okay, I take that back. I had a few days of terrible nauseousness. Like hours and hours of feeling like I wanted to throw up. That seems to have passed away though (Thank God!!!). Now to wait and see another couple of weeks as I go up to full strength whether or not its working.
*As a side note, yes, I’m intentionally leaving the names of the medications out of the post. My main concern is that seeing my symptoms with them people will avoid the advice of their doctor and not want to take them. My severe reactions to so many medications is atypical. Most people never experience the side effects I did. Some of them were so uncommon that they were in the ballpark of winning the lottery. I don’t want to discourage anyone from trying something that most likely will help them.
I must admit an unfortunate byproduct of this latter lack of motivation is a hampered spiritual life. Maybe that’s a cop out. But the depression makes things I daily have to do near impossible sometimes. Such as do my homework or even get myself something to eat. I know reading my Bible and talking to God is something I spiritually need to do, but its way too easy to not. I’ve been trying, at least in talking myself up to, reading my Bible again. Again, maybe a cop out, but I know that telling myself to do it will eventually lead to doing it.
So in a nutshell, that’s been the last few weeks…months…years of my life.