Pardon my typing if you will. I’m typing this in bed with no glasses on. I couldn’t sleep. I lay tossing and turning thinking about a whole wide range of subjects that have been irking me. After about 30-45 minutes of this I finally went up front and brought back my laptop so I could write. Okay, like three sentences and I couldn’t stand seeing a blurry mess so I grabbed my glasses. Anyway, over the last few days I’ve been studying the events that lead to the overthrow of the Russian Empire in 1917. It was only until I lay here in my bed thinking about all these things troubling me realizing that I’m now in the midst of a revolution of my own.

Bottom line is that I’m sick of how things are and sick of how I’ve been treated–and maybe most importantly: I’m not going to put up with it anymore.

The past year for me has been hell. From the living hell of my dad’s bipolar fiasco to my own fiasco of medication changes and the resulting side effects I’m exhausted. At the same time I’m furious. Still reeling from the trauma of both. I don’t know how to handle it which leads me to my current dissatisfaction with my therapist. He’s a great guy, but he’s not the kind of therapist I need. He’s a glorified life coach constantly working on things I’m doing and should be doing but not really helping me deal with the conscious and unconscious trauma of my life. I already have two parents riding me to get things done; I don’t need a third. So, this past Mon I decided to do something about it. I canceled my appointment and didn’t reschedule. I don’t need to waste an hour talking and an hour driving. Its not doing anything for me, if anything its making me more upset anymore at how its totally useless waste of time.

Then comes my doctor. I’m not going to explain the situation because it would take too long and I don’t feel like rehashing it, but his office staff has been a pain in the ass (excuse my french) for 20 years and what happened yesterday with my sisters was the final point. You don’t have enough time for us? You can’t treat us with respect? FINE. Problem solved. We’re finding a new doctor.

Then comes the topic of my now old boss. I care for the guy a lot. He is kind of like the grandpa I wish I had. But at the same time I was feeling really uncomfortable around him and felt very pressured. I have enough going on in my life that I don’t need an extra pressure. I’ve stopped visiting and talking to him. The latter because I really don’t know what to say or how to say it. I’m thinking of writing him a letter. But since I’ve stopped visiting and working for him I’ve felt relieved. I felt like I was being patronized and treated like a child. I feel taken advantage of when I was struggling, and now I feel like I have control and I’m enacting it. I don’t want to continue that relationship.

As for school, I’ve finally nailed down my passion for becoming a sign language interpreter. Its something that I enjoy, is fun, involves working with people, and has the added bonus of being a solid career with good pay and high demand. I’m trying to turn my long term mentality of “school being that thing I do because I have to” into “This is what I want to do with my life so I need to start enjoying these classes and trying to learn as much as I can.”  Its been a struggle for sure, but I’m starting to enjoy the challenge. For some reason just today my fingerspelling speed jumped dramatically. Almost overnight, and my comprehension, although not as extreme, has increased in both sign and fingerspelling.

Although I planned on writing more I’ve come to my tired point. Enough off my chest that I think I can finally sleep. Summary is I’m sick of how life has been and setting my sights on making it what I want it to be.

I also think that over these last few months I’ve changed drastically in the way I view myself and the world. I think that I’ve become far more independent and adult-like. I’ve also come to terms with my weaknesses and my strengths. I see myself generally positively. I use to downright hate myself. Although I’m still not yet my favorite person, I think I’ve come to respect myself for who I am. I feel calmer and more deliberated–focused.

And I’m not going to be pushed around anymore. by anyone.