Glaringly insignificant

I feel so totally insignificant. I’ve done a great job this past semester, but the achievement seems moot. I had hoped to walk away with at least a few new friends. I picked up a couple, but I feel more alone than ever. I keep being told work on things I need to get done and “she” will come along, but I think that just isn’t going to happen.

As bad as this sounds, I can’t stand most people.  This isn’t to be confused with hating people. I care about people. I’m a compassionate person. But I find myself intimidated and/or unattractived to the majority of mankind.  Despite all of my merits and credentials, it seems like in the greater scheme of life they only matter to me. I’m wiser than some people three times my age, resilient in crises that’d make others feint, and with integrity to stand up against all sorts of attacks…yet I feel immature and insignificant compared to others in my generation. They all are working on careers and an independent life. I’m working on it…to some degree…but I’m far behind and much of it I don’t care for. I take care of my family. I like being a part of a family.  I don’t want to live on my own. I want to eventually move out when I get married or go to school…but I have no good reason to live by myself. I’m secure enough in my own identity that I don’t need to live on my own to define myself. But that doesn’t seem to matter. The disaproving stares and tones when I mention I live at home, that I don’t have a job… I’m working on the job thing…but I have qualities that hold value in eternity. I have self-control, respect, compassion, and love. Genuine and sincere…but none of it matters.

I’ve experienced so much and endured for so long…and in the end none of it counts for anything beyond my own nose.

Posted via email from childofnewlight’s posterous

Leave a Reply