Been sick

So I’ve been sick this past week and haven’t felt much like writing.  The weather has been nice too so I’ve been spending some time outside.  Stressed out about making up my classes but doing well in my current one.

Feeling pretty lonely right now. I’d like a friend (or girlfriend) around here to be able to carry on a conversation with.  Someone with similar interests.  Someone to bounce ideas off and just relax.  Seeing Chuck (my counselor) helps a lot dealing with a lot of the tough stuff, but I’m finding myself in a vacuum when it comes to someone to just share life with.  What little life I do have.

On a completely different note, I’ve been thinking of acting again.  I was thinking the other night “What would I regret when I died?”  Would I regret not becoming an engineer? No. Would I regret not having made a lot of money? No.  Would I regret not becoming a pastor? No…the one thing I think I’d regret is never giving acting a serious shot.  Was I made to act? Was this something I was designed to do? A gift? A calling?  I’ve realized I’ve been pretty selfless…that sounds egotistical, but hear me out.  I’ve made my life about helping other people…which can be good but to a point where its hurting me.  I’ve purged any kind of self ambition out of me to the point I have no ambition or motivation.  Is there anything wrong with doing something in my life that I enjoy simply because I enjoy it?  That’s the question I keep chiding myself with.  So what if acting doesn’t directly change the world.  I mean I really would like to, but deep down inside is it wrong for me to pursue a career because it makes me happy?

I’m not sure how I’ve come to a point where self happiness has been revoked.  I think it boils down to my breakups.  In fact I remember back to one of the darkest times in a breakup a few years back where I found myself reeling…I wanted her back so badly and I knew I’d never have her.  So there I had to survive by removing that ambition.  I could have what I wanted…and somewhere in my mind I turned what I wanted into a bad thing…something to avoid…maybe that’s where my lack of motivation comes from today. That forced apathy to a girl spread into the other parts of my mind.  Until I came to a point where anything that had to do with my own personal enjoyment was suppressed.  At the time it made sense. The feelings were sickening at best… I couldn’t function so I did the only thing I knew how…but maybe just maybe it spread.  Something for me to talk to Chuck about…

On a WoW note I’ve made a Tauren warrior.  Well I made a Tauren warrior months ago when Nordrassil was down. Leveled him to 8 and left him.  This past week I’ve picked him back up and have been “power” leveling him.  I’m now almost 45 (mortal strike here I come!) and have over 500g…500 more for dual spec. He’s arms right now but I want to pick up prot to tank instances. Tanking as arms is too much work and too frustrating.

Last but not least CEF is spawning off a family-friendly, Christ-oriented raiding guild. Raiding with IXOYE was not working at all. We need a raiding guild setup to do it so we’re working on forming one up.  We’re not rushing into it, however. We’re probably going to take a few weeks to work out details, rules, etc before going live with it.

Time for bed here soon. Matthew signing off…

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